If Cannabis Strain Names Were Correct and Not Utterly Bizarre

Your mom smokes weed. It’s not even a joke anymore; it’s a fact.

Your mom goes into dispensaries and Gen Z TikTok-hops around offering well-informed advice on how to use CBD for arthritis, and which strain to use to make her husband (your dad) want to have sex with her (you’re welcome).

Do you know what is a joke?

The cannabis strain names offered to this sweet woman who shoved your enormous head from her precious, powerful temple. 

The thing is, friend, the strain isn’t always indicative of how the cannabis will make you feel.

Sometimes a strain is named after people — like Jack Herer, the legend — or places, like Kush in the Himalayas.

Or how they smell (Lemon OG, Cheese, etc.), but rarely are they named for how they’ll make you feel and what they’ll make you do. And they should be.

Alaskan Thunderfuck

What, is your mom going to feel like she’s trapped in an avalanche unable to call for help, or that Thor’s mighty hammer will strike her down upon inhalation? Come on.

This strain should be called, “Ooh, Feel How Soft The Cat Is Right Now, Watch Out Here It Comes Again, Grab The Cheez-Its!” as it is a creative, chill sativa with a creeper tendency and a penchant for inciting munchies.

Creeper strains come on like one of Saturn’s moons, slowly retrograding your life, adding a desperate need for a snack and a blankie. You’ve been warned.

Green Crack

Why do we do this?

Sure, this is a super sativa that helps with focus and creativity similar to the effects of a stimulant, but it will not encourage you to start your own business, get mad at your friends for not investing in said business, or break up your marriage.

It will help you, “Get Shit Done and Try To Have Sex With Your Platonic Friend Morgan” (Morgan, I know you still watch my IG stories!).

Its got aphrodisiac effects, drives focus, and uplifts your mood tremendously.

Save on Xanax and switch to cannabis. Just… try it as a microdose before you jump in.

White Nightmare

I choose to feel threatened by this one, gentle reader.

Blue Dream remains one of the most popular strains, and its crossbred progeny like White Nightmare offers cannasseurs a taste of that creative spark with just a touch of anxiety.

This strain should be called, “Get the DIY Stuff Out and Await Existential Crisis” because it will wreak havoc on your sense of corporeal being.

You’ll do that face where it’s like a smile but with scared eyes. And you’ll beg for the sweet release of sleep.

Use it for its productivity and to create the next great TikTok about how we all have ADHD (I hate you) and then do some serious self-care. We love that journey for you.

Don’t be afraid to ask your budtender about the effects a strain will have on your body. They’ll tell you. We’re still the boss of these kids! Don’t resent that they get to sell weed without losing their parents’ respect. ϖ

Adrienne is a stand-up comedian and writer and has been a cannabis professional for nearly a decade. You can find her everywhere at @craydrienne.

Patricia Miller

Patricia Miller is the Managing Editor for Cannabis & Tech Today. She covers science, technology, and policy shaping the legal cannabis industry. Miller is also an avid kayaker with a proclivity for picnicking. Follow her work on Twitter @_PMiller.

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